Did your marriage change drastically after having kids? Mike & I had Mac (our oldest) early on in our marriage. Fun Fact…my sweet hubby has impeccable timing. He’s been deployed every single time I’ve been pregnant! HA!
He’s a fan of leaving me with a parting gift 
All joking aside, we went through the “growing pains” & joys all new parents have as they are learning to live life in their new roles as mom & dad. However, after having Ky (our second born) we had some MAJOR growing pains.
At that point we had lived apart for better part of almost 3 years (military life). I had thrown myself into my work & new business, & life with just Mac & I, & then upon his return (within a few weeks) not only were we still learning to live with each other again, but Mac was off to Kindergarten (big adjustment for mama) & we welcomed Ky into the family. Hello new tenacious soul, newborn sleepless nights, & PP hormones 
It was A LOT of change all at one time, & the ripple effect of that Tsunami of change happening all at once was felt for YEARS.
I share this because RELATIONSHIPS have such a HUGE impact on our health & our belief in ourselves & what we’re capable of. So acknowledging that we weren’t in the best place meant we TOOK ACTION. We got proactive about learning how to become masters at communicating with each other & invested in doing personal growth TOGETHER.
It wasn’t always pretty. In fact it was one of the greatest challenges, but that work has allowed us both to grow in incredible ways as individuals & together. It has been the catalyst for so much positive change in both my & Mikes life & health overall!
So I wanted to share the TOP 3 Things we Learned & Implemented that both saved and strengthened our marriage.
We learned all these when we attended Date with Destiny. A life changing Tony Robbins event where you spend an INTENSE 10 DAYS unpacking your relationship with yourself & those you share your life with.
IT CHANGED EVERYTHING FOR US. More so than therapy or anything else we’d tried because it got us BOTH to take extreme ownership of ourselves & who we were showing up as in our life & marriage. Some of these may sound simple, but that’s also why they WORK!
TIP ONE: HO’OPONOPONO
THE HO’oponopono. (CLICK THE LINK TO LEARN ABOUT IT), is a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. We have learned to use this as our RESET.
Whenever one of us inevitably gets testy, jumps to a conclusion, gets frustrated, or feels triggered we look each other in the eyes & say the Ho’oponopono I’m Sorry. Love You. Please Forgive Me. Thank You.
It’s amazing how by stopping the freight train of emotions to say these words can shift the energy & focus of an interaction.
If we have a tense convo, or morning with the kids & didn’t show up as our best selves, we’ll even just text it to each other in acknowledgment of our own actions & desire to resetIt’s our recognition that it’s not 50/50 it’s 100/100 & our acknowledgment that it’s more important for the other to feel loved then for either one of us to be “right”. We are 2 imperfect humans in an imperfect world raising children & building a life, WE ALL NEED a RESET to walk back big feelings, forgive & move forward.
TIP 2: ASSUME GOOD INTENT
Often things get said, done, or NOT done & a story gets created about why or what the person meant by it. By allowing our first thought to be giving them the benefit of the doubt, it de-escalates things. It’s wild how often you’ll catch yourself assigning meaning or creating a story once you’re aware of it.
Another useful tool to help you question the story you are coming up with is using Byron Katie’s “The Work” strategy to question whether you’re reading too much into a situation. She even has an app called The Work that guides you through the process.
Assuming good intent means that when something rubs you wrong, instead of building resentment ask for clarification. Thereby opening the lines of communication (you’ll see why this is so important when we get to TIP 3)
Expectations also fall under this. All expectations are just resentments in hiding, so have open & honest dialogue about how the other’s actions/inactions made you feel.
TIP 3: UNDERSTANDING POLARITY & WHAT CAUSES YOU & YOUR PARTNER TO SHUT DOWN & WITHDRAW
When I first learned the 3 C’s & 3 U’s outlined in the image above, it was a lightbulb moment that made me see how I was contributing to all the “complaints” I had about our dynamic
OWNERSHIP is when you stop pointing the finger at someone else’s behavior to justify your own. (That was me!) Lots of I’ll to x when he does yz.
For women if we feel the 3 U’s (outlined in the image above) we tend to either withdraw or flip into overload of the 3 C’s (also outlined above). Thereby making the “issues” we’re having worse & killing intimacy with our partner.
Being able to verbalize feeling mis-understood was part of it, the BIGGEST change was me seeing all the ways I needed to reign in/stop Criticizing, Closing Myself Off, & Being Controlling
And did it BY…
- Verbalizing & showing more of my appreciation & respect for the things he did really really well by shining the spot light on the ways I was grateful for & appreciative of him.
- Creating opportunities to be more playful & open (& making it a priority)
- Dialing back my control freak-Ed-ness to give him space to parent & do things around the house without me having to add my 2 cents all the time.
THESE THINGS WERE GAME CHANGING… no they were LIFE CHANGING!!
Let me know if any of these resonate for you too!!
It should also be said that our FAITH is STRONG & God is first, our marriage is second & our kids third.
This non-negotiable order of things is imperative for us. Because there was a time I’d flipped into FULL ON mom-mode & I was making it ALL ABOUT my kids all the time (which is easy to do when your partner is deployed) BUT it left no room for anything or anyone else & had to change. This order of priority ensures that our kids get a much more healthy example of the type of relationship I hope they someday get to have.
If you’ve read this far you are clearly MY PEOPLE so give me a 
and feedback in the comments below. Did you find this helpful???